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"Geez," I said to my nine year old daughter as we walked into the grocery store, "this purse is so HEAVY..." The bag practically
crashed off of my shoulder into the shopping cart flip down seat.
"Why don't you clean it out, Mama?" Skye's ‘trying to be helpful’ gaze dropped from my face to the leather bag that I refused to
part with.
"I don't know." I really didn't have a good answer. But, since 3 of the 4 straps were fused to the purse, via JB Weld, it wasn’t
such a bad idea...I finally hauled it to the kitchen table and dumped out the contents.
My two boys did that ‘magnet thing’ little boys do when they hear little bits of metal tinkling on a table.
They Bee-lined their way to potential
treasures, whilst shoving the other out of the way and into position.
"WOW!" Eight-year-old Jared pointed at something in the pile, "Can I have THAT?"
"Whoa cowboys! Mom's got to go through this stuff." I pulled over the trashcan.
"You sure have a lot of junk Mama" said Wyatt, my ever-observant Kindergartner.
"Well, bud, looks like Mama was a dumping ground for a few kids around here. Let's see what we got..."
What was in the purse?
Just about everything, but the kitchen sink. In my purse, I had:
- 1 overstuffed wallet with a total of 3 bucks;
- 57 receipts from various establishments;
- 1 set of keys;
- 4 hair scrunchies;
- 1 set vampire teeth;
- 1 pair dirty kids socks...mint green;
- 1 kid rhinestone earring;
- 3 Mesa Jr. Police Officer stickers, partially peeled;
- 3 church bulletins. Different weeks, ah heck, different months even;
- 3 kid church bulletins with partially completed artwork projects;
- 1 yarn creature;
- 1 makeup bag;
- 2 brushes;
- 1 comb;
- 1 watch that needed a battery—about a year ago;
- 1 extra set of keys;
- 27 napkins from various places—none in working condition, but useable in a pinch;
- 1 cell phone;
- business cards—some mine, some unreadable, and some that should have been saved;
- 3 pens—only 1 works;
- 18 crayons—7 of them broken;
- 3 expired kid's meal coupons;
- other coupons too decomposed to be read;
- 1 plastic spoon;
- 1 broken plastic fork;
- 11 Metabolife pills covered with lint;
- 3 buttons—all different sizes and shapes;
- 3 bills I already paid online—in April;
- my sunglasses in their perspective case;
- 1 tampon, sans wrapper—never to be used, I promise;
- 3 pairs of reading glasses;
- some twisty ties from bread bags or something;
- various wrappers entwined in the hairbrushes;
- 1 tape measure; and
- change--and lots of it.
"We're rich!" Wyatt said as he picked up as many coins his hands could hold. "Mom, can I throw all these in the fountain next time we go
to the Mall, so I can wish we can go to Disneyland? I'm gonna make hundrets of wishes! A hundret and twenty teen wishes to go to
Disneyland and California Venture!"
"Twenty Teen?" I asked, as I picked some coupon debris out of a hairbrush and smiled at him.
"YUP! And that is A LOT!" But the look on his face went from bliss to terror to anger in an instant. I looked in the direction of
his emotional angst.
Jared had the vampire teeth in his mouth. And with a great whoop of glee at having claim jumped, leapt off the chair and ran from
the room.
Wyatt, trying hard not to drop the coins…yet knowing that he must, above all else, get those teeth or potentially die…cried, "IT’S
NOT FAIR!" Then waited for me to do the RIGHT THING.
"You snooze, you lose bud." Oh what a cruel mother Wyatt has. "You got the money, Jared took the crusty yucky vampire teeth. No
big deal. I think they have Skye’s cooties on them anyway."
That did the trick. The teeth were no longer viable. Wyatt began a little ‘nee-ner-nee-ner’ chant about Jared having Skye’s
cooties as he went back to the table to count his massive coinage.
"Why are my socks on the kitchen table, Mommie?" Skye asked as she sauntered into the room.
"Skateland." I affirmed, as I handed them to her. "Remember when we went last October?"
"How come you kept them in there for so long?" she asked as she picked them up with the barest edges of her thumb and forefinger with that
"ewe" look on her face.
"I didn’t know they were there, sweetie." That was the honest to God truth too, "Now go throw them on your bedroom floor."
"Why can’t I put them in the laundry room?" She asked with a puzzled look on her face.
I put my hand on my heart and gasped, "You mean…..you actually know that’s where dirty laundry really goes?? My GOSH Skye! Perhaps
you can remove the other dirty clothes from your floor now that we have made this huge bit of progress!" I mean, where did she get
this ‘not cleaning up’ problem from? It was a mystery.
"Oh MOM!" Skye had once again fallen into the sarcastic mother trap. She huffed off, not really mad, but feeling the need to show
some kind of pre-teenage rebellion. The socks were at full arm’s length ahead of her body. I gave the laundry room a 50/50 chance
at this point.
As she rounded the corner, I heard a "RAW-W-W-W" and a screech, followed by "I hate brothers!" then "Hey, where did you get those?" A
suck of saliva and a distant "dere mine! I found dem!" after which the normal "no they’re not/yes they are" stuff. I lowered the
odds on the socks making it the laundry room. Maybe 20/80. Maybe not.
I looked at the mess on the table.
"Man, did I load the napkins in here or what?" I said to Wyatt, who was trying to remember what came after twenty-nine. Though
some of those napkins were partially useable, I tossed them anyway—knowing that the next snotty nose would cause me to regret it.
When I tried to toss that yarn thing, Wyatt, with a sad look of betrayal, said "I made that for YOU Mommie, in pre-school for
Mothers Day." Then with saddened eyes, he asked, "Why are you throwing it away?"
My heart sank.
"Err, honey, I’m not throwing it away! It got caught on my ring and went in there by accident!"
He bought it.
Note to self: Never clean out your purse in front of your children.
"Okay kiddos!" I slung the bag over my shoulder and marveled at the lightness of it! It was probably down to 8 pounds! "Mama
found some money! Let’s do lunch!" Upon hearing the lunch plan, the normal fighting ensued.
"McDonalds! They have Nemo!"
"But Burger King has Sinbad toys right now!"
As I herded them out the door, with their negotiations in progress, I thought..."I have to remember to grab some napkins."
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About The Author:
Joanie Kensil-Bradsher is a published author and freelance writer. She has been published in,
Say Goodnight to Illiteracy by Half Price Books. Her story is called "Coyote Night."
* This article is available for your publication, for a F-E-E.
This article may NOT be reprinted without monetary compensation and written permission from the author.
For reprint rights or comments/questions about this article, please contact the author.
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