Sloppy Joes

Author: M'Liss Seltzer

My daughter Kelsey has always been quite outspoken. She was born lacking a gene that the rest of us are blessed with. That is, of course, the "Tact Gene." As a friend says, she doesn’t have a private thought in her head. On a memorable trip to the beach one year, she loudly announced for all to hear, “My brother has pink Little Swimmers because Wal-Mart was out of blue.” Once again, Kelsey, gave voice to what everyone else was thinking.

I spent much of the summer before Kelsey’s kindergarten year praying. Praying she would get a good teacher. Praying she would make friends. Praying she would not divulge intimate details about our personal income, drunken relatives, incarcerated family members, or overdue library fines. You know the usual skeletons in the closet.

I also spent time pondering the dreaded school lunch. What would I pack every single day? Here was a child who would not eat a sandwich. Two weeks before school started, her diet subsisted of Bagel Bites and raisins. Having studied the volume of paperwork that is bestowed upon you when you register for kindergarten, I knew the microwave was off limits. Bagel Bites were definitely a “no go.”

True, I had the fruit aspect of the balanced meal covered. Raisins have long been a staple of the school lunch. I remember opening my square, metal Happy Days lunch box in the cafeteria of Yoakum Elementary School . Right alongside my Fonzie thermos was that red box of raisins, a ham sandwich, and chips.

I decided to push the idea of buying lunch. I thought that would be a surefire way to expand her culinary horizons. In the days before school started we pored over the lunch menu. Would she be willing to try baked beef a roni, peas, and a hot roll? How about teriyaki beef dippers, steamed green beans, and rosy applesauce? That applesauce sounded especially appetizing with the colorful description. These were all rejected along with fish strips, mexicali corn, and cheese crackers.

The first few weeks of school, we limped along with lunches of sliced turkey, Ritz crackers, and (of course) raisins. Thanks to peer pressure, Kelsey was warming to the idea of actually eating either a meat product or a sugary gelatinous substance between two pieces of white bread. Then, the lunch lady gods smiled down upon us. Listed on the first Tuesday of the October menu was that public school lunch staple, THE SLOPPY JOE!

Kelsey was understandably intrigued. What could a Sloppy Joe possibly be? The name gave no clue whatsoever as to its makeup. Obviously, it was a messy meal, but who was this Joe character? What did he do to get a school lunch named after him? With a month of kindergarten experience under her belt, she decided to take a risk and purchase the Sloppy Joe lunch.

I was understandably excited and apprehensive. This could lead to bigger and better things. Steak fingers with peas or bean burritos alongside fruit cocktail could be in our future. The Sloppy Joe exposure could lead to the holy grail of lunch box staples, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Alternatively, if the Sloppy Joe didn’t go over well, I was looking at 12 more years of opening a lunch box at the end of the day to be confronted with that smiling girl in the bonnet picking grapes and seemingly mocking me.

Well, true to form, Kelsey came home that day and spilled her guts about everything that transpired. Delaney had thrown up during circle time. Daniel and Ryan got into a fight over the glue during art. Mrs. Edgar had been reduced to tears once again by Theo’s refusal to keep his supplies in the correct cubby. (Hey, Mrs. E., perhaps it’s time for retirement). I waited patiently, listening for the verdict on lunch. Finally, my candid daughter wrapped up her daily report with, “And Mom, you know that Sloppy Joe? Well, I told the lunch lady. Hey, that ain’t nothing but a plain old hamburger!”

Kelsey is now a savvy fourth grader and has long since discovered the vast differences between hamburgers and Sloppy Joes. I am proud to report that her dining preferences have expanded greatly. She now includes such varied selections as pimento cheese sandwiches and Swiss steak in her diet. Just for old time’s sake, though, we celebrate her gastronomic breakthrough with a family meal of Sloppy Joes at least once a month.

Kelsey's Sloppy Joe Recipe

Ingredients

1 1/2 lb. lean ground beef
1/2 cup chopped onions
1/2 cup chopped celery
1/4 cup chopped carrots
1/4 cup chopped green or red bell pepper
1 (6 oz.) bottle barbecue sauce
1/2 can tomato paste
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon pepper
10 sandwich buns split

Instructions

In large skillet, brown ground beef, onions, celery, and bell pepper until beef is thoroughly cooked. Drain.
Place ground beef mixture in 4 quart slow cooker.
Stir in all remaining ingredients except buns and cover.
Cook on low setting for 3 to 5 hours, stirring occasionally.
Serve in buns with a side dish.

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